Meeting with Georgians

In this job, I spend a lot of time in meetings.  That’s not a good thing because normally my schedule has fewer holes in it than Stevie Wonder’s dartboard.  Georgians, however, rarely make a decision without having a meeting.  Unfortunately, they are rarely productive.  The effectiveness of a meeting is not judged on whether it produces any tangible results or products.  Instead, Georgians, as best I can figure, hold meetings for three reasons.  The first reason is to appear busy without really working.  Meetings are indispensible when you don't want to do anything.

The second reason is to appear important.  And, since everyone wants to appear important, meetings are very popular.  It is not uncommon to be called to a meeting in a large conference room just to find out you’re only meeting with one other person.  But, it’s in a conference room, so big things must be happening.  Inevitably, your meeting will be interrupted by someone who wants to join the meeting so he or she can appear important, too.  S/he rarely has anything to contribute, but they want to be able to say, “Well, we held a meeting in the conference room to…” whatever the goal of the meeting was.

This is usually hard to figure out since Georgians view agendas the same way they view traffic laws and wedding vows – as mere suggestions at best or foolish wastes of time at worst.  What gets discussed in meetings depends on the ADD factor of those in the room.  Agendas are, in a word, fluid.  More fluid, in fact, than the contents of the town drunk’s lunch tray.  Thus, in Georgian meetings, topics change rapidly as something new and shiny is introduced and moves immediately to the top of the agenda where it remains until someone else thinks of something new and shiny to displace it.   

But I digress.  The final reason Georgians are so fond of meetings is that it gives those attending the meeting the opportunity to affix blame for issues that should have been resolved in the last meeting.  Naturally, the “fixee” is the one person who misses this meeting.  Great wailing and gnashing of teeth occur as garments are torn and breasts beaten while the absent member of the group is excoriated for everything from the weather to the roughness of the toilet paper in the executive washroom to the fact that the sun is going to burn out in a couple of billion years.  Picture Mel Gibson at a traffic stop, and you get the idea.  In a way, it’s healthy.  It’s cathartic for those attending; less so for the poor slob who missed the meeting, usually because s/he is attending some other equally as important meeting in the other conference room.

Regardless of the meeting’s purpose, all meetings are run the same way.  They never – never – start on time.  They start when everyone finally arrives.  Time is measured here by what we call “GMT” or “Georgian Maybe Time.”  The meeting, scheduled to start at 10, will start at 10-something.  10:10, 10:30; even 10:50.  Time is not all that important.  In fact, a chalk outline is being drawn around punctuality and most Georgians can't even identify the victim.

If there is a TV in the room, it will be on.  Loud.  The most popular shows seem to be Spanish soap operas dubbed into Kartouli.  Remember what I said about the ADD level in the room?  Spanish soap operas, which obviously are filmed in third world countries where even the minimum amount of clothing is impossible to find, don’t help as meetings come to a standstill whenever a scantily-clad actress is shown.  Fortunately, this only makes up about 95% of the soap opera’s allotted air time, allowing at least 10 minutes an hour for business.  Why is the TV on all the time?  I have no idea.  None.  But you can bet it will be, further stretching the already challenged attention spans in the room thinner than the elastic on Rosie O’Donnell’s G-string. 

And keep in mind that a primary goal of the meeting is to look important.  So, few meetings are actually “chaired.”  Instead, attendees compete heatedly to make sure their opinions are heard.  So there’s a lot of shouting, gesturing, finger pointing, table slamming, and paper rattling.  One’s opinion must be presented even if it is in total agreement with whatever’s already been said.  Otherwise, how would everyone know how important you are?

Keep in mind that even in America, a meeting moves at the speed of the slowest mind in the room.  In other words, all but one participant will be bored, all but one mind underused.  So, eventually, the meeting peters out after everyone has made his/her point.  The meeting doesn’t so much adjourn as slowly dissipate as members leave to attend equally important meetings in other conference rooms.  Interestingly and usually, most meetings end when the soap opera does.

Oops, gotta run.  I’m late for my next meeting.  Thanks for reading.